Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and pure affection, or may consciously reject it. Merriam-Webster defines unrequited as "not reciprocated or returned in kind".[1]
PsychiatristEric Berne states in his book Sex in Human Loving that "Some say that one-sided love is better than none, but like half a loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and moldy sooner."[2] However, the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche contends that "indispensable...to the lover is his unrequited love, which he would at no price relinquish for a state of indifference."[3] Unrequited love stands in contrast to redamancy, the act of reciprocal love.[4]
According to legend, the Greek poet Sappho fell from a rock out of unrequited love for the ferryman Phaon. Painting by Ernst Stückelberg, 1897.
Route to unrequited love
According to Dr. Roy Baumeister, what makes a person desirable is a complex and highly personal mix of many qualities and traits. But falling for someone who is much more desirable than oneself — whether because of physical beauty or attributes like charm, intelligence, wit or status — Baumeister calls this kind of mismatch "prone to find their love unrequited" and that such relationships are falling upward.[5] According to some psychologists opposites do attract.[6]
'Platonic friendships provide a fertile soil for unrequited love'.[7] Thus the object of unrequited love is often a friend or acquaintance, someone regularly encountered in the workplace, during the course of work, school or other activities involving large groups of people. This creates an awkward situation in which the admirer has difficulty in expressing their true feelings, a fear that revelation of feelings might invite rejection, cause embarrassment or might end all access to the beloved, as a romantic relationship may be inconsistent with the existing association.
'There are two bad sides to unrequited love, but only one is made familiar by our culture'[8] – that of the lover, not the rejector. In fact, research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions on a par with those of the suitor, including anxiety, frustration, and guilt.[5] As Freud long since pointed out, 'when a woman sues for love, to reject and refuse is a distressing part for a man to play'.[9]
Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble, an unselfish and stoic willingness to accept suffering. Literary and artistic depictions of unrequited love may depend on assumptions of social distance that have less relevance in western, democratic societies with relatively high social mobility and less rigid codes of sexual fidelity. Nonetheless, the literary record suggests a degree of euphoria in the feelings associated with unrequited love, which has the advantage as well of carrying none of the responsibilities of mutual relationships: certainly, "rejection, apparent or real, may be the catalyst for inspired literary creation... 'the poetry of frustration'."[10]
Eric Berne considered that "the man who is loved by a woman is lucky indeed, but the one to be envied is he who loves, however little he gets in return. How much greater is Dante gazing at Beatrice than Beatrice walking by him in apparent disdain".[11]
"Remedies"
Roman poet Ovid in his Remedia Amoris "provides advice on how to overcome inappropriate or unrequited love. The solutions offered include travel, teetotalism, bucolic pursuits, and ironically, avoidance of love poets".[12]
Cultural examples
A wrapped, unopened Valentines Day gift with heart-shaped helium balloons attached sits discarded in a dumpster.
Western
In the wake of his real-life experiences with Maud Gonne, W. B. Yeats wrote of those who 'had read/All I had rhymed of that monstrous thing/Returned and yet unrequited love'.[13]
According to Robert B. Pippin, Proust claimed that 'the only successful (sustainable) love is unrequited love',[14] something which according to Pippin, 'has been invoked as a figure for the condition of modernity itself'.[15]
Eastern
The medieval Japanese poet Saigyō may have turned from samurai to monk because of unrequited love, one of his waka asking: "What turned me to wanting/to break with the world-bound life?/Maybe the one whose love/turned to loathing and who now joins with me in a different joy".[16] In other poems he wrote: "Alas, I'm foreordained to suffer, loving deep a heartless lass....Would I could know if there be such in far-off China!"[17]
^"Unrequited - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary". Merriam-webster.com. Retrieved 2012-05-23.
^Berne, Eric (1970). Sex in Human Loving. Penguin. p. 130. ISBN0-671-20771-7.
^This is how R. B. Pippin describes Nietzsche's views in The Persistence of Subjectivity (2005) p. 326.
^Ash, John (1775). The New And Complete Dictionary Of The English Language: In Which All The Words are Introduced ... : To Which Is Prefixed, A Comprehensive Grammar; In Two Volumes, Volume 2. Dilly. Retrieved 12 June 2015.
^ abGoleman, Daniel (1993-02-09). "Pain of Unrequited Love Afflicts the Rejecter, Too". The New York Times. Retrieved 2010-03-31.
^"The Real Reason That Opposites Attract". Psychology Today. Retrieved 2015-12-26.
^"To love or be loved in vain: The trials and tribulations of unrequited love. In W. R. Cupach & B. H. Spitzberg (Eds.), The dark side of close relationships (pp. 307-326). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. Carpenter, L. M. (1998)Spitzberg, p. 308
^Janet Malcolm, Psychoanalysis: The Impossible Profession (London 1988) p. 9
^W LaFleur, Awesome Nightfall (Boston 2003) p. 14-15
^H H Honda trans, The Sanka Shu (Tokyo 1971) p. 236-7
^G Maciocia, The Psyche in Chinese Medicine (2009) p. 136
Further reading
Robert Burton, The Anatomy of Melancholy (New York 1951) THE THIRD PARTITION: LOVE-MELANCHOLY
Mead, Nicole L.; Baumeister, Roy F. (2007), "Unrequited love", in Baumeister, Roy F.; Vohs, Kathleen D. (eds.), Encyclopedia of Social Psychology, SAGE Publications, ISBN9781412916707
J. Reid Meloy, Violent Attachments (1997)
Peabody, Susan 1989, 1994, 2005, "Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships."
External links
Wikimedia Commons has media related to Unrequited love.
"Unrequited love can be a 'killer'". BBC News. 2005-02-06. Retrieved 2022-07-30.
Fileva, Iskra (2022-04-11). "Is There Such a Thing as Unrequited Love?". Psychology Today. Retrieved 2022-07-30.
July 04, 2023
unrequited, love, examples, perspective, this, article, deal, primarily, with, western, culture, represent, worldwide, view, subject, improve, this, article, discuss, issue, talk, page, create, article, appropriate, october, 2015, learn, when, remove, this, te. The examples and perspective in this article deal primarily with Western culture and do not represent a worldwide view of the subject You may improve this article discuss the issue on the talk page or create a new article as appropriate October 2015 Learn how and when to remove this template message Unrequited love or one sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved The beloved may not be aware of the admirer s deep and pure affection or may consciously reject it Merriam Webster defines unrequited as not reciprocated or returned in kind 1 Psychiatrist Eric Berne states in his book Sex in Human Loving that Some say that one sided love is better than none but like half a loaf of bread it is likely to grow hard and moldy sooner 2 However the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche contends that indispensable to the lover is his unrequited love which he would at no price relinquish for a state of indifference 3 Unrequited love stands in contrast to redamancy the act of reciprocal love 4 Contents 1 Analysis 1 1 Route to unrequited love 1 2 Unrequited love victims 1 3 Rejecters 2 Advantages 3 Remedies 4 Cultural examples 4 1 Western 4 2 Eastern 5 See also 6 References 7 Further reading 8 External linksAnalysis Edit According to legend the Greek poet Sappho fell from a rock out of unrequited love for the ferryman Phaon Painting by Ernst Stuckelberg 1897 Route to unrequited love Edit According to Dr Roy Baumeister what makes a person desirable is a complex and highly personal mix of many qualities and traits But falling for someone who is much more desirable than oneself whether because of physical beauty or attributes like charm intelligence wit or status Baumeister calls this kind of mismatch prone to find their love unrequited and that such relationships are falling upward 5 According to some psychologists opposites do attract 6 Platonic friendships provide a fertile soil for unrequited love 7 Thus the object of unrequited love is often a friend or acquaintance someone regularly encountered in the workplace during the course of work school or other activities involving large groups of people This creates an awkward situation in which the admirer has difficulty in expressing their true feelings a fear that revelation of feelings might invite rejection cause embarrassment or might end all access to the beloved as a romantic relationship may be inconsistent with the existing association Unrequited love victims Edit The inability of the unrequited lover to express or declare their love often leads to negative feelings such as depression low self esteem anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria citation needed Rejecters Edit There are two bad sides to unrequited love but only one is made familiar by our culture 8 that of the lover not the rejector In fact research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions on a par with those of the suitor including anxiety frustration and guilt 5 As Freud long since pointed out when a woman sues for love to reject and refuse is a distressing part for a man to play 9 Advantages Edit Dante looks longingly at Beatrice Portinari in yellow as she passes by him with Lady Vanna in red in Dante and Beatrice by Henry Holiday Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble an unselfish and stoic willingness to accept suffering Literary and artistic depictions of unrequited love may depend on assumptions of social distance that have less relevance in western democratic societies with relatively high social mobility and less rigid codes of sexual fidelity Nonetheless the literary record suggests a degree of euphoria in the feelings associated with unrequited love which has the advantage as well of carrying none of the responsibilities of mutual relationships certainly rejection apparent or real may be the catalyst for inspired literary creation the poetry of frustration 10 Eric Berne considered that the man who is loved by a woman is lucky indeed but the one to be envied is he who loves however little he gets in return How much greater is Dante gazing at Beatrice than Beatrice walking by him in apparent disdain 11 Remedies EditRoman poet Ovid in his Remedia Amoris provides advice on how to overcome inappropriate or unrequited love The solutions offered include travel teetotalism bucolic pursuits and ironically avoidance of love poets 12 Cultural examples Edit A wrapped unopened Valentines Day gift with heart shaped helium balloons attached sits discarded in a dumpster Western Edit In the wake of his real life experiences with Maud Gonne W B Yeats wrote of those who had read All I had rhymed of that monstrous thing Returned and yet unrequited love 13 According to Robert B Pippin Proust claimed that the only successful sustainable love is unrequited love 14 something which according to Pippin has been invoked as a figure for the condition of modernity itself 15 Eastern Edit The medieval Japanese poet Saigyō may have turned from samurai to monk because of unrequited love one of his waka asking What turned me to wanting to break with the world bound life Maybe the one whose love turned to loathing and who now joins with me in a different joy 16 In other poems he wrote Alas I m foreordained to suffer loving deep a heartless lass Would I could know if there be such in far off China 17 Mural of a text message reading I love you and an ellipsis as a typing awareness indicator on the left In China passion tends to be associated not with happiness but with sorrow and unrequited love 18 See also EditAgape Anteros Broken heart Erotomania Friend zone Limerence Lovesickness Obsessive love Romance love Tsundere Unconditional love WaifuReferences Edit Unrequited Definition and More from the Free Merriam Webster Dictionary Merriam webster com Retrieved 2012 05 23 Berne Eric 1970 Sex in Human Loving Penguin p 130 ISBN 0 671 20771 7 This is how R B Pippin describes Nietzsche s views in The Persistence of Subjectivity 2005 p 326 Ash John 1775 The New And Complete Dictionary Of The English Language In Which All The Words are Introduced To Which Is Prefixed A Comprehensive Grammar In Two Volumes Volume 2 Dilly Retrieved 12 June 2015 a b Goleman Daniel 1993 02 09 Pain of Unrequited Love Afflicts the Rejecter Too The New York Times Retrieved 2010 03 31 The Real Reason That Opposites Attract Psychology Today Retrieved 2015 12 26 Spitzberg p 311 To love or be loved in vain The trials and tribulations of unrequited love In W R Cupach amp B H Spitzberg Eds The dark side of close relationships pp 307 326 Mahwah NJ Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Carpenter L M 1998 Spitzberg p 308 Janet Malcolm Psychoanalysis The Impossible Profession London 1988 p 9 Mary Ward The Literature of Love 2009 p 45 6 Eric Berne Sex in Human Loving Penguin 1970 p 238 A Grafton et al The Classical Tradition 2010 p 664 Y B Yeats The Poems London 1983 p 155 Pippin p 326 Pippin p 326n W LaFleur Awesome Nightfall Boston 2003 p 14 15 H H Honda trans The Sanka Shu Tokyo 1971 p 236 7 G Maciocia The Psyche in Chinese Medicine 2009 p 136Further reading EditRobert Burton The Anatomy of Melancholy New York 1951 THE THIRD PARTITION LOVE MELANCHOLY Mead Nicole L Baumeister Roy F 2007 Unrequited love in Baumeister Roy F Vohs Kathleen D eds Encyclopedia of Social Psychology SAGE Publications ISBN 9781412916707 J Reid Meloy Violent Attachments 1997 Peabody Susan 1989 1994 2005 Addiction to Love Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships External links Edit Wikimedia Commons has media related to Unrequited love Unrequited love can be a killer BBC News 2005 02 06 Retrieved 2022 07 30 Fileva Iskra 2022 04 11 Is There Such a Thing as Unrequited Love Psychology Today Retrieved 2022 07 30 Retrieved from https en wikipedia org w index php title Unrequited love amp oldid 1155380627, wikipedia, wiki, book, books, library,
